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During one of her daily classes, a 10th grade social studies teacher gave a lesson in good social manners and asked her students the following question:

 

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you need to go use the restroom?"

 

Michael said: "Uh, hey just a minute, but I have just got to go take a piss."

 

The teacher responded by saying:  "Well, that would be a rude and impolite".

 

"What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

 

Sherman said : "I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

 

That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word 'bathroom' at a restaurant table.

 

"And now you, Danny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

 

Danny said:  "Sure. I would say: Hey Sweetness, would you please excuse me for a moment?  I must go shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

 

The teacher fainted.

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International Disadvantaged People's Day

 

Today (probably not) is International Disadvantaged People's Day.

 

Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend... just as I've done.

 

I don't care if you lick windows, screw farm animals, take the short bus or occasionally **** yourself...

 

You hang in there sunshine, you're ******* special...

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The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:

 

You're a Siamese Twin.

 

Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is g_a_y.

 

You're not.

 

He has a date coming over tonight.

 

You only have one ass.

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The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:

 

You're a Siamese Twin.

 

Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is g_a_y.

 

You're not.

 

He has a date coming over tonight.

 

You only have one ass.

I knew a different version of that joke.

Two heads of a three-headed dragon talk:

- Do you know that the third head gives blowjobs?

- Who cares as long as it doesn't take in the аss.

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Virginia DMV woke up late on that one:

DMV_letter.jpg

Someone snitched. I know the guy who had that license plate.

The verbatim meaning is "A hundred dicks", but the slang meaning is "sure shiт".

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A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am. "

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but is unintelligible to most people, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are and don't know where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

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I know it's Monday .. but

 

 

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed o
ut the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this ******* badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

 

"Your badge, show him your ******* BADGE!!"

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Bob:  Hey Joe, did you know the Sharks will be flying more miles than any other NHL team this year?  a total of 50,362 air miles this coming season.

 

Joe:  Wow didn’t realize that, that’s a TON.  Sharks sure get screwed travel wise being a west coast team.  Also, ownership should look into getting a less shitty Frequent Flyer mileage program.

 

Bob:  Frequent Flyer program?   What the hell are you talking about?

 

Joe: Come on, the sharks NEVER earn enough points for all that flying they do!

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Bob: Hey Joe, did you hear that ****** Bettman is talking about re-locating the Sharks to the Philippines just to start an Asian presence for the NHL?  How fkn greedy is that?

 

Joe: Actually it sounds perfect because Bettman could rename them the Manila Folders!

 

Bob: I hate you, Joe!
 

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Bob:  Hey Joe, did you know the Sharks will be flying more miles than any other NHL team this year?  a total of 50,362 air miles this coming season.

 

Joe:  Wow didn’t realize that, that’s a TON.  Sharks sure get screwed travel wise being a west coast team.  Also, ownership should look into getting a less shitty Frequent Flyer mileage program.

 

Bob:  Frequent Flyer program?   What the hell are you talking about?

 

Joe: Come on, the sharks NEVER earn enough points for all that flying they do!

 

Lee_Facepalm.gif

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sometime a joke can be so bad, they're GOOD with all the groaning laughter it generates.   yea?

 

Sometimes, I suppose...

 

...this time isn't one of those times.

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