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An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense, to the point kind of guy. One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

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An engineer, a geologist and a statistician go hunting and they come upon a deer. The engineer fires and misses 5 feet to the left, the geologist fires and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician then proudly yells "We got him!"

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Fart Football -

An old married couple had no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes

gas and says, "Seven points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm

ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done, the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie

score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal,

I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so

he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it

everything he's got, and accidentally $h!ts in the bed.

The wife says, "What in the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

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Found another old one in the email archives...

A man walks up the stairs of his house with a sheep under his arm. He walks into the bedroom where his wife is lying in bed reading a magazine.

“Honey,” he says, “this is the pig I’ve been ******* when you aren’t available.”

“That’s not a pig,” says his wife, “that’s a sheep.”

“Shut up,” says the man, “I wasn’t talking to you.”

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A newly wed couple are out at a bar having a drink on their honeymoon.

The wife offers to make her husband a drink and asks the bartender to give her a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys' Irish Cream and a shot of lime juice.

She then asks her husband to first put some salt in his mouth, then immediately take the shot of Baileys' with the shot of lime juice and hold it and count to 3 before drinking it down.

The husband does that and within a second a sharp taste of lime and salt hits him. In 2 seconds, the Baileys' curdles & in 3 seconds, his mouth is filled with a salty mucous-like sour substance.

This triggers a gag reflex in him. But trying to be manly, he swallows the now foul tasting drink & smiles and says to his wife, "Great Stuff! What the **** do you call that drink that you made me have?"

She smiles wickedly and says, "Blow Job Revenge!"

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THis guy plays with the Sharks, and plays well.

No real complaints, but eventually he is traded away.

He THEN goes on to win a Stanley cup.

Fans of the original team were like "wow, why did we let him go?"

So, a few years go by, and we get him back.

THen the playoffs start. He isn't involved with the PP during the playoffs, and the PP fails on an epic level. They choke in round one.

SO, a month or so go by, and fans generally agree that the culture is the problem, and the most likely villain is someone like the GM, who perpetuates this culture. It's hard to say.

And lo and behold, THEY TRADE BRAD STUART!

That's it. That is the f----ing joke. GET IT?

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A Doctor was speaking to a health seminar audience at a summer fitness camp.  “The things most Americans put into their stomachs over the years is enough to kill most of us sitting here years ago”
 

Red meat is awful.  Sugar laced soft drinks corrode stomach linings and cause diabetes.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  Junk food, high fat diets can be disastrous over time and few of us realize the long-term harm caused by bacteria in our drinking water. 

 

But there is one food that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have eaten it, or will likely ingest it someday.  Can anyone here tell me which food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

 

After several seconds of quiet, a man in the front row raised his hand and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake?'

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A Doctor was speaking to a health seminar audience at a summer fitness camp.  “The things most Americans put into their stomachs over the years is enough to kill most of us sitting here years ago”

 

Red meat is awful.  Sugar laced soft drinks corrode stomach linings and cause diabetes.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  Junk food, high fat diets can be disastrous over time and few of us realize the long-term harm caused by bacteria in our drinking water. 

 

But there is one food that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have eaten it, or will likely ingest it someday.  Can anyone here tell me which food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

 

After several seconds of quiet, a man in the front row raised his hand and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake?'

 

Beautiful...

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For several years, an American man had been having an affair with an Italian woman.  Until one night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.
 

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would return to Italy to discretely have the child. Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he agreed to provide child support until the child turned 18.
 

She agreed to all of it, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
 

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back when the child was born and then he would arrange for the child support payments to begin.
 

One day 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
 

 "Honey, she said, You received a very strange postcard from an Italian restaurant today."
 

 "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later." he said
 

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned blue, and passed out on the floor.
 

The postcard simply said:
 

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
 

Three with meatballs, two without.  Send extra sauce!

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For several years, an American man had been having an affair with an Italian woman.  Until one night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

 

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would return to Italy to discretely have the child. Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he agreed to provide child support until the child turned 18.

 

She agreed to all of it, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

 

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back when the child was born and then he would arrange for the child support payments to begin.

 

One day 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

 

 "Honey, she said, You received a very strange postcard from an Italian restaurant today."

 

 "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later." he said

 

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned blue, and passed out on the floor.

 

The postcard simply said:

 

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

 

Three with meatballs, two without.  Send extra sauce!

 

You're on a roll today...

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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
 

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
 

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
 

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

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Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.  After some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in very good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
 

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."  The next morning when the boy came downstairs to breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed,  for me?"

'"Just take two, sweety"  Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

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The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.  Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
 

The doctor told her teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to completely stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

 

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,  "Oh Mom!  You don't have to worry at all about that. I'm dating Susan!"

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This may be my favourite television show scene of all-time.  Sometimes, when the work day is going slow or badly, I just think of this scene to get me up a little bit.

 

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All Things Bright and Beautiful

Each little flower that opens
Each little bird that sings
He made their glowing colors
He made their tiny wings

The purple-headed mountain
The river running by
The sunset and the morning
That brighten up the sky

The cold wind in the winter
The pleasant summer sun
The ripe fruits in the garden
He made them every one

The tall trees in the greenwood
The meadows where we play
The rushes by the water
We gather every day

All things bright and beautiful
All creatures great and small
All things wise and wonderful
The Lord God made them all


The Monty Python version... :)
All Things Dull And Ugly

All things dull and ugly
All creatures short and squat
All things rude and nasty
The Lord God made the lot

Each little snake that poisons
Each little wasp that stings
He made their brutish venom
He made their horrid wings

All things sick and cancerous
All evil great and small
All things foul and dangerous
The Lord God made them all

Each nasty little hornet
Each beastly little squid
Who made the spiky urchin?
Who made the sharks? He did

All things scabbed and ulcerous
All pox both great and small
Putrid, foul and gangrenous
The Lord God made them all

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

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