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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith due to tempation by a voluptuous lady."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for several minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the crap out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

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A group of nuns died and are at the door to heaven. The guard explains to them that because they were supposed to stay pure while they were on Earth, only the ones that haven't touched a **** could go in. The ones that were left outside had to make a line and one by one put holy water on the part of them that had touched a ****.

The first one only places her finger in the holy water.

The second places her hand in the holy water.

Then a nun tries to get to the beggining of the line and is stopped by the guard who asks her, "What is going on?" And the nun replied, "I wanted to gargle before Elena puts her ass in!"

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I'm going to venture to guess that this thread will outlast both the off topic one and the music one.

I feel like this thread was made for me. Lame jokes are my speciality.

A man named Jim gets himself a brand new Bentley and decides to enjoy the day driving it down a highway. There's nothing around for miles as he's cruising along but then he notices a bunch of motorcycles in his rearview mirror. They get closer and closer until they're right behind them. Then the lead motorcyclist gestures to the other and they all encircle Jim in his Bentely.

The lead motorcyclist gets right up on the driver's side and yells at the man to pull over. Jim's very afraid and complies. The whole motorcycle gang pulls over too and they all get off their bikes. The lead guy goes onto the side of the road and with his finger draws a circle in the dirt.

"Get in and don't step out until I tell you." He commands Jim. Jim, fearing for his life, steps inside the circle. The motorcyclists then turn back to Jim's car and the lead guy takes out a knife and slashes one of the tires. They turn back to Jim and much to their surprise, he's giggling to himself like a little girl.

That just angers the motorcyclists and one of them picks up a rock and throws it through the windshield. When they look back at Jim, he's laughing even harder.

Now very mad, the gang just goes to town on the Bentley, smashing it up completely. When they're done, all the tires are slashed, the seats are carved up, the windows are broken, the lights kicked in, and the whole body is covered in dents and scratches.

Jim however is now rolling on the ground because he's laughing so heavily. The lead motorcyclist approaches him.

"What is your problem? Can't you see what we just did to your car?" He asks Jim. Jim stops laughing and answers.

"But I stepped out of the circle three times and you guys never saw."

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Three guys die together and go to Heaven

While there St. Peter tells them that there is one and only rule. Do not Step on the Ducks. AS they enter heaven there are millions of Ducks everywhere.

On the very first day the first man steps on a duck and as punishment is chained to the ugliest woman he has ever set eyes on for eternity.

On the second day the second man does the same and is chained up.

The third man seeing his two friends in misery decides he must be very careful so for two months he makes sure to be cautious and he never steps on any Ducks.

Then one day St Peter comes up to him and shackles him to the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.

The man says "wow I don't know what I did to deserve being hand-cuffed to you for eternity"

The woman replies "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a Duck"

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Sign on a Zoo cage:

"Cement floor! Don't scare the ostriches!"

(Seems I've got an audience for my russian jokes)...

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A priest and a nun are out golfing. On the first hole the priest has an 18 inch putt for birdie, which he misses badly.

"Godamnit, I missed" he yells in frustration.

The nun is shocked. "Father, you must be more careful with your words or the Lord will have wrath upon you.

The priest apologizes and they move on to the second hole where again the priest has an 18 inch putt for birdie, and this time he misses it even worse than the last time.

"Godamnit, I missed" he screams.

The nun is beside herself. "Father, you must watch your language or the lord will have wrath upon you".

The priest apologizes again and they move to the 3rd hole where predictably the priest has an 18 inch putt for birdie and it's nowhere near going in.

"Godamnit, I missed" he bellows.

This time the nun merely shakes her head. "Father, I'm afraid there's nothing I can do for you now".

Sure enough the skies darken, the clouds role in and a great rumbling is heard from above. The priest cowers and covers his head, and sure enough a great blue bolt of lightning streaks down from the heavens and strikes the nun, turning her into a pile of ash.

The priest slowly uncovers his head and looks around, shocked. At this moment a booming voice comes from above.

"Godamnit, I missed!!"

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A rope goes into a bar and tries to order a drink.

The bartender says "Get out of here, we don't serve ropes in this bar."

The rope goes outside and ties a knot at one end of himself. Then the rope rubs the knot against the ground, so it's in tatters.

The rope then goes back into the bar and tries to order a drink.

The bartender again says "Get out of here, we don't serve ropes in this bar."

The rope then says "I'm afraid not."

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a frenchman, an american, and an irishman sit down at a bar to have a beer.

several minutes later, a fly comes along and lands in the frenchman's beer. "SACRE BLEU! what iz zis! get me anozher one!" says the frenchman. the men continue drinking.

a few minutes later, another fly comes along and lands in the american's beer. he picks it up, examines it, flicks the fly off the top and sends it to the floor, shrugs his shoulders, and keeps on drinking.

finally, a fly comes along and lands in the irishman's beer. the irishman grows red. he pinches the fly by its neck, holds it over the glass, and shouts, "SPIT IT OUT, ya BASTARD!!"

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How can you tell a Conservative home owner apart from a Democratic home owner? Ask who is paying the Mortgage. The Conservative will point to himself, and the democrat will also point at the conservative.

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How can you tell a Conservative home owner apart from a Democratic home owner? Ask who is paying the Mortgage. The Conservative will point to himself, and the democrat will also point at the conservative.

how about let's keep partisan political humor out of this lighthearted thread, which should be a break from the crap you spew in the OT 16 hours a day.

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Two utter English gentlemen are fishing from a boat in a lake. One's fishing rod begins to quiver, he grabs it and fishes out a beautiful mermaid. He examines her, turns her in his hands a few times, and then throws her back into the river.

"But, Why?" - asks the other gentleman in astonishment.

"But, How?" - the other replies.

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Two utter English gentlemen are fishing from a boat in a lake. One's fishing rod begins to quiver, he grabs it and fishes out a beautiful mermaid. He examines her, turns her in his hands a few times, and then throws her back into the river.

"But, Why?" - asks the other gentleman in astonishment.

"But, How?" - the other replies.

On the subject of English gentleman....this exchange between the great Winston Churchill and Nancy Astor.

Nancy Astor: “Sir, if you were my husband, I would give you poison.”

Churchill: “If I were your husband I would take it.”

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A man is out golfing with a bunch of his buddies and is about to tee off when he notices a funeral procession along the road. In middle of his swing he stops, takes his cap off, and waits till the procession goes by before resuming.

His friends are surprised by his actions and ask him why he'd do such a thing.

The man nonchalantly replies, "Well, we were married 35 years."

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A guy goes into a doctor’s office; he’s got a dot on his forehead. The doctor says, ‘Oh my God, I’ve never seen it before but I read about it in medical school.’ The guy says, ‘Well, doctor, what is it?’ ‘Well, in six weeks you are going to have a penis growing out of your forehead.’ The guy says, ‘Well, doc, cut it off.’ ‘I can’t cut it off; it’s attached to your brain, you’d die.’ So the guy says: ‘So, doctor, what you’re telling me, is that in six weeks, every morning when I wake up and look in the mirror, I’m going to see a penis growing out of my forehead?’ And the doctor says, ‘Ah, no, no, no, no. You won’t see it. The balls will cover your eyes.’”

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An old gentleman marries a lady who is much younger than he is. They love each other very much, but their sex life is bad. No matter how hard the husband tries, his wife never reaches orgasm. They decide to go to a marriage counselor to ask for advice.

The counselor says, "Hire a strong young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man give your wife a foot massage. That will help her relax and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the counselor's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he massages the wife's feet while they make love. However, it doesn't help, and she is still unable to climax.

They return to the counselor. "Okay," the counselor says to the husband, "let's reverse it. Have the young man make love to your wife while you massage her feet." So they go home and follow the counselor's advice.

The young man gets into bed with the wife while the husband massages her feet. The young man is very enthusiastic; he makes love to the wife with skill and grace. His firm muscles knead her supple flesh. She bites his shoulder and draws blood. They devour each other like hungry animals, and after a half hour of intense pumping and moaning, the wife has an ecstatic, screaming orgasm that starts the neighbor's dog barking and sets off every car alarm on the block.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says triumphantly, "See, asshole? THAT'S how you give a foot massage!"

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A guy's talking about his childhood:

"Our family was so poor, that if I weren't a boy I wouldn't have anything at all to play with..."

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History class in a small Jewish town in Russia. The teacher asks: "What great event, consequential for the history and culture of the Russian people took place in 1799 ?" Complete silence. "Well, children," continues the teacher, "it was in 1799 that the greatest Russian poet, Alexandr Sergeevich Pushkin, was born." "Ahhh..."

Next question: "What other momentous event, extremely important for Russia, took place in 1812 ?" Again, dead silence. "Really, children don't you remember this one ?" insists the teacher. Prompted by which, little Itzik raises timidly his hand and opines: "It was the Bar-Mitzvah of the great Russian poet, Alexandr Sergeevich Pushkin."

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Ever hear the one about the Polish coyote?

Chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap.

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