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Misery Index Week 10

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Week 10 November 9, 2010

Misery Index

10) Browns: Okay, I’m not sure exactly what is going on here. My inclination is that the Browns are sabotaging the opponents food supply in the week leading up to the game. Whatever the case, Mangini just punked Hoodie, which is kind of like a mouse eating a cat. I don’t really understand it. I know it happened but it seems against the laws of nature and the time-space continuum.

9) Cardinals: It’s like getting in a fight with the old dude in the bar, and you basically have him beaten, so you ease up on him, and he lands 3 haymakers in a row and knocks your ass out. Don’t ever give that old man a second chance. Old man will still whip your ass on a good day.

8) 49ers: Coach Singletary, you say you want winners. But then you don’t even bother to put a claim in on Randy Moss? Can’t you see what a winner Moss is? Can’t you see the positive impact he could have had on Crabtree in the area of diva development? My God man with those big eyeballs you have, how can you be so blind? But then why would you pay big money to a guy like Moss when you let Brandon Lloyd walk? Lloyd wasn’t a winner. The other team takes him and suddenly he’s a winner. And now, instead of sitting on your bench listening to you talk about how you want winners, he’s off being a winner. Odd.

7) Bengals: Note to the NFL. Just because the Bengals approach respectability in one “schedule friendly” season, that is no excuse whatsoever for you to spring them on us on Monday Night Football the next. Come on now, stop kidding around with this stuff. I spent the first three quarters trying to stay awake, and the last quarter trying to keep my dinner down as they proceeded to take a piss on my Steelers -6 ticket. As useless as building the world's largest video screen for a team with no highlights.

6) Broncos: With all the coaches on the hot-seat around the league, Skippy’s monumental failures have gone a bit underappreciated recently. Chin up Skippy, you’ll always be one of the biggest losers around here. Now, you better run along, I think I hear your mama calling you….no wait a minute, that’s the Chiefs calling you. That’s what I meant to say, your new daddy’s calling you.

5) Lions: Remember a couple of weeks ago when I made my hard-luck predictions for Lions QB’s for the rest of the season? Here is an excerpt: Week 9 - Stafford finally ready, sacked and out after the first quarter, gimpy Stanton comes in and barely finishes game. Okay, not exactly Miss Cleo, but not bad for an amateur.

4) Panthers: This team is not getting the respect it deserves. It’s sad when teams like the Vikings and the Cowboys crash and burn, and push these kind of “run of the mill” losers out of the spotlight. Glory hogs.

3) Vikings: Chilly’s post-game comments were interesting. I mean, Favre just led your rag-tag team back from death’s doorstep, and you choose this moment to call him out for being a drama queen? Really? How very drama queen of you. Maybe all this is what people are referring to when they talk about the Viqueens.

In any case, you were dead on the table before Favre pulled out the defibrillator and led you to a miracle victory against a weak opponent at home. Peter King says Childress was “joking.” Funny, I didn’t hear any laughing. Chilly’s comedy is every bit as effective as his coaching. Making the comment after an uplifting win like that, in which the dude in need of a hug pulled one out of his ass and probably saved your sorry hide for one more week, shows hints of the ugliness this could lead to before Zygi pulls the triggy.

2) Bills: As long as you haven’t quit you aren’t as miserable as the Cowgirls.

1) Cowboys: Did you see NBC’s video collage of downtrodden Dallas Cowboys faces from the end of the second half? I never watched Faces of Death but it can't be any worse than those faces of death. Thanks to the Peacock for that morbid montage. You could almost read their minds.

Romo was thinking, “I really should remember to send a Christmas card to that dude that snapped my wishbone.”

Kitna was thinking, “I would have bet my left nut against ever being on a team worse than the Bengals and Lions. I probably just need to pray a little harder. Sorry Lord!

Tashard Choice was thinking, “Yeah they aren’t going to put that camera on me. Hey coach, I’m ready! You said to be ready. Oh, you’re going with Felix and Marion again? Alright then. Good idea coach. I’m sure that’s gonna work out for you, you just stick with the plan. Here if you need me coach. I’m still ready!

Wade Phillips was thinking he wished that he had balls enough to stuff that retirement letter he wrote in Jerry Jones pocket instead of throwing it in the hotel trash.. He’s wishing Jerra would just go ahead and fire his ass at halftime, before he had to waste his breath one more time on this bunch of over-paid losers.

Jerry Jones was thinking, “This is embarrassing. I’d fire the goofy S.O.B. responsible for all this if I could figure out who the hell that is.”

Meanwhile Bill Parcells was chuckling and thinking….well, we all know what Bill Parcells was thinking. He was thinking, why didn’t I bet everything I owned on the Packers? Oh well, the Cowboys have half a season left and it will take Vegas another 4 games or so before they dare move the spread to 20+, where it should be against good teams, so it looks like Christmas on the Cowboys this year!

Who can turn the ball over with style?

Who can take a losing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well its you Cowgirls and you should know it.

With every blowout loss and blunder you show it.

Money’s all around so help us make it.

Double digit spreads, go ahead and take it.

You’ll help us make it after all.

You’re gonna jake it after all.


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